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A Brief Wedding Video: Click Here

They say intelligence is about reasoning skills, logic, and rationale. And intuition precedes it….and this is a prerequisite in Mumbai. You definitely need to plan,  and leave lots of gaps, and ready to think on your feet. In simple terms keep your wits about. The place is crazy if you are outdoors.

My problem is  when I start soaking the sun the IQ bit starts evaporating. The first mistake is not to drink a lots of fluids,  and trying to do too much.

So  the last thing I yesterday was go to a chemist shop, and purchased a strip of Pen V ( caution only buy if you are not allergic) and paracetamol. It seems the chemist could have easily sold blankets, as they are emporia! Serving is like having a pint, and chap before me was arguing that he was given the wrong stuff for his masters butt. I agreed , intervened, but he ignored me. I think the chap eventually got what he wanted…if it was a mistake it would probably be still OK as his master would have very loose motion as the side effect.

Kavita, naturally, has the same predisposition, and gave me company to control her fever, and runny nose. I think the latter was probably the Mumbai pollution of the traffic and messiness. In the morning I went along to book the taxi, and paid 800 rupees to get there. Learnt later of Meeru Taxies (44224422) , who charged R 375 to come back at night. This company is large and has hundreds in the main metros.
The latter is useful for single way journeys but you need to book. Getting ripped off is normal, and you need to regard it as ignorance and move on.

Vishals wedding location was an edge of town farm house, and was pleasingly better than my wildest expectations. He was on a white horse, there was a band Vaja, barat  ka dance, women and men having a sing song, well decorated Mandap, lots of guests and relatives. Met us with Sejal, Daksha and Sudha, and discovered that they had on and offs with each other during their time together.

The wedding was very personal and the food was amazing, variety, and classy. I will attach some clips.

Some of the men then lay on the godras and had a siesta, whilst we took a tuk tuk to Sejal’s hotel. The trip was awful, and that is one reason I would not advise anybody to move to Mumbai. You would do a favour to yourself and to them as about 10000 plus move to the city every day!

Evening reception was again classy, starting with canapés, drinks, a live band, carpeted all over, sumptuous buffet (including kitchi, rotla, auro, and lots of suites etc) . Realised then that they also use wedding planners, and it was just a great entertaining evening outdoors. I am just happy that the Karias are settled, and Mummy would be smiling wherever she is!

Jitubhai other brother, Dilip, from Rajkot did not attend although his who is partially deaf and daughter, Phalu, a lovely lovely 20 something, turned up. I found out that through an well educated distant relative that their circumstances are quite bad, because Dilip is an alcoholic, and keeps bad company. So Phalu studies, and works to support her parents. I left a little bit for her mother.

We were back in Juhu by 11, and the wrap up discussion was about paracetamol etc. I did by usual blast, and Kavita got a real bed instead of the slab!

Made it….rush to the laughing club…go to back of hotel, and walk along beach by the Marriott, and you see this regular group at 7 am. Indian exercises are different, and all to do with joints, and loosening them , and flexibility with little cardio.
So we saw only a few joggers amidst a sea of early morning walkers on the beach.
Beach not clean, champals a must!

I got a further insight into Eastern obesity, it appears mostly around the size of the tumbho , and consistent with the storage requirements of the high carb, and frequency  of food.

It’s no use talking about a problem without a solution for reducing the rotund tummy and one of them is this. I think it is called anulom vilom, wherein ( such an Indian word) you breathe in quick, and blow out fast.  Do that at least 20 times daily and see the result. You might even discover your inner Self! This treatment works after regular effort, and only for those with the  predisposition. A tip, grunt hard on exhaling! All this inner wisdom comes from the laughing club.

Alternatively, what goes in does not necessarily come out…unless you exercise.

Sadly we missed some of the laughing, but managed to do eye-ball exercises and one of the perennial favourites where you clasp your hand , stretch it upwards and say tick!

At breakfast after the usual dose of papaya with lime, porridge, and (with secrecy and denial) a masala dhoso, English tea, we waited for the deli worrys (I have deli bratly misspelt with the intended pun) at reception of the adjusted shopping.

Brevity is not a trait everybody has, and Meena sometimes lacks it except when she is angry. For example it’s pointless asking a rikshawala to take you to a place, and then telling him that we may go there and there. Man she can talk and stretch a conversation.  Kavita usually remonstrates  with ”Mum, why are you telling a story?”

By the way verbosity is the opposite of brevity which Meena has in abundance. It helps if you are into trivia and have all the time in the world, and phone companies love such people.  Thirty years has taught me certain no go areas so I have developed selective hearing to a fine art. Family bollocking for Meena can only emanate via the children.

Prakashbhai ( remember the tailor with two wives?) persisted re his blouses Silai, and turned up and Madam agreed to give him some work. Bitcharo does not wear shoes, sandals, or slippers, for a year or so, but carries a great smile accentuated by an even larger Rajput mootch. I remembered that it is quite in order for them to have a wife or two!

So we went to pick the shopping from all the shops ( Labas in Santa Cruz, Options in Juhu, Kala Niketan in Santa Cruz, Suruchi in Juhu, Bawree in Gorakphur. We then rushed through the congestion to get to Sion, past Mahim, Bandra and Dharavi the famous slum,  late again to Manisha the blouse designer.

She gave me a telling off for being late, which I had nothing to do with. We followed her into her tiny garage cum showroom and Meena and Kavita immersed into a deep discussion about the styles, and I sat mutely. Frankly, I could have easily been one of the many up collared canine variety having a siesta on the pavement!

Kavita wanted to eat, and the two of us went with the driver to Peninsula in Sion Circle ( they call roundabouts circle) an apparently fast food place which markets a large menu, but a limited available choice when inside. I had a club sandwich and Kavita had a MD (henceforth I will abbreviate more…this one is Masala Dosa).
On finishing, I somehow could not contain my satisfied satiety, and promptly released a large burp in the restaurant, to which none of the waiters or patrons flinched. It’s a free country.

So tonight is an early night as it’s Vishal’ s wedding, and I still do not know what to wear. But there are more important things to reflect about like the blast from the pasts, and the thought of slumber…..lovely….no more shopping…

Meena also told me not to call anybody Bhaiya, which means brother.  She thinks it’s a colloquial reference to being gay…..somebody please help…otherwise my reputation is permanently wrecked in Mumbai.

Fully recovered from jet lag, but we missed the laughing club again!

We were out relatively early, dropped our washing to a local dry cleaner, and gave some of Kavitas clothes for repair.

Now the sun is soaking in, and breakfast was poi poi with a bit of lemon…and I even indulged in a bit of chana bhatura and seero whilst Kavita went across to the gym. Meena was still in shopping mood so the rupees are evaporating like water!

Seems the locals are convinced that Narendra Modi is likely to be the next PM, long live Raghuvasis and looies! Will definitely pick up his book in Ahmedabad as per Pankaj’s suggestion.

I bought some trendy Kurta shirts from Options, and Meena and Kavita made their stay at Kala Niketan and Paneri worth it for them…I suppose they can now attend every wedding! The Times of India had a lovely article of an 8 member family living in a 200 square foot flat, and the industrious teenagers of the family doing well in exams by sitting under street lights to revise and complete homework.

Today’s thali meal at Laxmi in Andheri cost us 200 rupees each with four shaks, khadi, bhat, khichdi, dar, and hot thin rotli served while you eat, plus the usual bhajia (patidar), and methai! Don’t worry I did not treat my alimentary canal to the lot, otherwise it would be as congested as the Mumbai traffic!

Forgive me for using so many exclamation marks….India has a habit of eliciting them without much effort! See what I mean?

The afternoon was a rush as we had a taxi driver called Laxman Patel taking us to Kandiwelli West, Charkop, Sector 5, not far from Borivelli. He said he knew how to get there from Juhu, and got lost, and so true to our origins arrived late at the Sangeet for Vishal. The venue was a small, Africa style, hall, with both families and friends have a sing song, and we met up with The Londoners..Sudha, Sejal and Daksha. In one way we stood out like like NRI freshies, as the behavioural tendencies are so different. Sudha, as usual accentuated her behaviour. However, the common Lohana nuances were self evident, as Kavita later remarked ‘ they are so natural’.

There was a sing-song, with small family performances, and a lot of fun, dance and garba ending with an adapted version of ‘ we will, we will rock you!
I came satisfied that the family is well established, that Deepali and Parag are happily married, Vishal in his element, and Jitubhai and Daxabhabhi content, and the last boy Sundip running jitubhai’s business. Daxabhahi’s side has a lot of well educated kids doing journalism, media, accountancy, etc. And they are all doing well.

After a bite to eat the Pau bhaji (again), we made our way back with Laxman patel late again. It takes an hour at least from Kandiwelli! and we raced though mahim, Andheri, and the taxi driver tried to convince me that traffic lights do not apply after 11pm. I had a prolonged banter trying to keep him awake by saying that originally he was a singo, like we were and he not a patlo. And that during the partition, we escaped as did all the Gujrati’s who do not like to fight.

Bed at 1am.

So Kavita had tried to sleep on the ‘slab’ as she calls it, and managed it. Tiredness overcomes anything. I thought it would help Meena’s flab, but she variously called me words like pleb etc!

Sun n Sand breakfast is a choice of Dosa, Pau bhaji, Paratha, idli and temptations to the palate that make cereals feel like an archaic practice. Imagine he challenges to the alimentary canal for ‘ travellers’ that are tasty, spicy, soft, and without roughage . I fortunately noticed the fruit counter and had the compensating papaya with lemon, some packet juice, and tiny bananas.

The latter reminded me of the times as a schoolboy, I used to eat almost a whole lumkhi ,  and chuck the skins on the road. My interest in nuts  makes Meena oft quoted name for me a monkey befitting. Perhaps that is also a metaphorically way of exploring the Homo Sapien past!

We were lucky to have met Seemaben  & Harshitbhai who live in Mumbai, and have a daughter , Bhumi, who is a student of professor Jon Preece at Bham University. Meena taught him, and he worked as a schoolboy in the Portakabin. Moral….always keep in touch. Seemaben looked after us, made sure men’s shopping was done first…Kurta, shalwar, chudidar, and Bata sandals. Then fed us Jain Bhelpuri and amazingly tasti nasta! I survived shopping, then the women having disposed if me went on the attack till 9 pm. I hanged around with Harshitbhai, went for a walk in the park….too many people so you pay to go in, and can only walk clockwise. I looked for those thick heavy arms of the obese Juhu Gujarati ladies with pleasant disappointment…at least obesity is under control here. Excepting the bum size  of course!

At night we went to a lovely restaurant in a many star hotel called Orchid, near the airport. Uttapam was the great South Indian dish to try, with background sitar and tabla. Nearby was a karioki bar, with many young Lata Mangeshwar, and modern day singers. I declined as they may not heard Hemant Kumar.

Harshitbhai’s son dropped us off and were in bed and slab for 1 am with a slightly better room with a half sea view which we discovered in the morning. However out went the grand plan to go to the laughing club at 7 am on the beach, which I would recommend for any bucket list, we woke up at 10! I hope I survive 21 more hours to show Kavita this 8th wonder of the world.

Landing at Mumbai for any person from the west is always an experience even if you are a frequent traveler. The air smells different, a blend of heat, sweat and spice, and plenty of hustle bustle, and somehow casual rush of traffic hooting, people, walkers, hawkers, rikshas, and poor, trim,’street’, and slow, bigger, wincing, wealthier, people…mostly women….I beg forgiveness in advance!

This was a trip to attend Vishal’s wedding in Mumbai and Dhanrajs wedding in Ahmedabad. This meant shopping with the ladies for saris, and bits and bobs for me, all of which to me is quite daunting. There seems to be the S gene in the genetic code, that make women so ‘gu-gu-ga-ga’ about shopping, and discussing triviality. I suppose I will have to get used

Meena can spend hours getting saris opened in a boutique, agree on everything, and buy nothing, I sometimes feel story for those poor sods who open everything, sadness for zero purchases and relieved at the savings. A frequent behaviour I notice about these men is that they have a distant vacant look whilst serving you…has anybody noticed that! A consolation was the tiniest glass cup of strong masala tea which may have a stimulant to open the pupils of the eyes to make those sari colours even more dazzling.

So the first day was at Sun and Sand in Juhu, with a shared room with Kavita! She was very good as she appeared to be unhappy with the quality…she really wanted to stay at the JW Marriott, but that would purely be a western experience. She referred to bed as the slab, a single bed made of two planks and a mattress. Better than the ‘ghoriu’ she has in her study in Flood Street, for guests.

We were jet lagged and tiredness overcomes even the hardest of beds and slept in till about 3m and went across the road from the Marriott and had Pau Bhaji and Club sandwich and Pizza for about 650 rupees, or £7, at a local air-conditioned restaurant call Sukh Sagar…and ‘dharai gia’!

Was I dopey or did Kavita buy a Sari, and some earrings from one of the boutiques..the sales people are so patient and good, and because you pay so many rupees you feel robbed? That is not strictly true, as the £ is has appreciated by 25 per cent against the rupee.

Oh I forgot about Prakash Bhai, a tailor who came to visit us in the room, and apparently had two wives…we have agreed to Bhuleshvar with him tomorrow on the train to do some shopping. Jitubhai Karia ( mummy’s son) works there with his son, Sundip. He was at home, and I hope we can make it! But I need somebody’s advice. So we phoned Harshit Bhai ( a pharmaceutical businessman  and trades with Lexon)  and Seema Ben who has the knowledge and wherewithal in this hectic place! They will take us more local tomorrow.

Kavita and myself had a great discussion on the merits of vegetarianism, or not. The need of meat is personal, and perhaps about the ethics, faith, and the survival of the animal ( I know of no living being wanting to be willingly wanting to be killed). I hope my personal struggle to stay off meat lasts, it is so liberating, but I will not judge anybody on my personal quest, although would pray that all would reflect on this matter! She felt she was becoming non-materialistic, registering a either a damaged s gene in my mind or a transient dream.

We then took a rickshaw  for 25p and 25p tip and went to the Hare Krisha Mandir….I love the place and could spend hours there…my dad was a life member. These places are clean, peaceful, and humbling, and a lot to learn about simplicity, and one Self. I always buy one of their texts.

So at the end of the day we sat watching a wedding at the Hotel and discussing the nuances, and the takes of all the ones which we intend to attend this year….my God I have been happily married for 3O years and banter has been the key ingredient. Off to an early slumber, after some aloo parrothas, and dhahi, and the traditional Bisleri ……cold ho!